a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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