There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
