im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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