I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a search helicopter?!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
where are my eyebrows?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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