I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a search helicopter?!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
where are my eyebrows?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize