There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize