hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
