you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
