Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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