My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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