my soul wont recognize me after tonight
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
