I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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