her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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