worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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