my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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