if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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