Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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