my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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