she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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