My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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