Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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