I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
