this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
