I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
