i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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