I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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