My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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