i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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