did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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