if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
