she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
