Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
