Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
