He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize