OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
