i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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