Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
