Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
