I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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