me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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