i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
