i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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