I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
