I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
