i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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