Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
