Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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