she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
