god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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