Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
