My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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