Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Success! We fucked roommates!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
