I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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