Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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