I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
