covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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