Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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