When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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