god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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