did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
