I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Drunk is not a location!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
