dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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