I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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